


Fear Feels Like This (A Clenched Fist Where Yyour Throat Used To Be)

by Iamasortofvillain



Category: The Haunting of Bly Manor (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Porn, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Graphic Description, Hurt/Comfort, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Porn, Porn with Feelings, Shameless Smut, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-15 08:54:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28935849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iamasortofvillain/pseuds/Iamasortofvillain
Summary: Sometimes, the only way to coax Dani out of deep dark misery of fear and loneliness and dense scary jungle is with soft kisses and determined hands and idle fingers ready to ground her back to earth.Jamie knows how to do it.Every. Single. Time.Basically plotless smutty piece with lots of feelings and Dani and Jamie coping in their own special shared way
Relationships: Dani Clayton & Jamie, Dani Clayton/Jamie
Comments: 8
Kudos: 75





	Fear Feels Like This (A Clenched Fist Where Yyour Throat Used To Be)

**Author's Note:**

> "I know that look.  
> I know what it means to be that kind of starving—  
> to fling open your arms and dare the sky  
> to meet you.  
> I know the fear of the sky  
> roaring back.  
> I do not know you, but I know you".  
> \- Ashe Vernon

"I'm sorry," Dani's voice is a whisper, a soft collection of sounds you're having trouble deciphering as if you don't speak the same language, as if the broken noise isn't words at all, but some mournful, broken music.

"Sorry for what?"

But Dani has agreed early on not to do this, not to reduce herself to something like a burden, and you still remember far too vividly the long night you spent in each other's arms, crying and begging and trying to figure it all out, so young and so hopeful and so damn terrified.

"Dani – "

Dani turns her face away from you and you're not sure what shocks you more about that, the fact that she is still torturing herself with the possibility that you've been anything but perfectly happy, or that somehow she believes she's not worth your time. Dani isn't insecure and isn't jealous and isn't prone to picking at things she cannot change, but lately, with every turn of her head, with every sharp gasp in front of the mirror, she's been losing over to a sadder version of herself. And you wouldn't mind if it weren't making her so fucking miserable.

"I'm just wondering. What if – "

"Don't say that," you say because it's the first of many possible reactions that finds themselves coming out of your mouth. "Please don't let her trick you into this. I'm right here. _I am here_ , and nothing, _nothing_ will change that".

"It’s not her. It's me. Jamie – "

"Dani," you should quit while you're ahead before you say something you won't be able to take back, something you won't be able to play off, something you'll have to edit in and out later when everything is said and done and Dani isn't a mess of wide-eyes and slack-jaw and trembling cold hands.

You pull yourself forward by the hook of your hand on her neck. Dani leans into you, closing the last few centimeters as your hand immediately going to her hair, buries itself there in familiar succession.

Kissing Dani the hundredth time is like kissing her the first time. Nothing changes. Nothing subdues. Your heart still goes to your throat, your hands are still shaking, you're still waiting for her to pull back, to smile and apologise and kindly explain that this is all well and fine, but it isn't for her. And just like the first time, Dani surprises you. Dani stays, solid and familiar and brave.

 _stay_ , you urge her silently. _stay with me, for the love of christ. For everything that is holy. Stay with me_

She surges forward, knowing you will never pull away, like she did years ago when you were wrapped up in each other in a dark damp grove, a million miles away. Like she did in a bedroom, not quite her own, not quite comfortable. Like she did when you first closed the door to a place you called your own, as she took you in her mouth on a newly made-up bed.

Everything about Dani is exactly the same. The smell, the feel, the give and take as you mash yourselves together. Dani's body is a well-mapped territory by now, but the excitement leaves you slightly confused, slightly lost, just like the first time around.

You go for her bottom lip and she lets you. You have a single hand at her neck, to remind her that the rest of you is just as interested in touching her, in learning her, in keeping her as close as humanly possible.

Then you pull back. You always do, giving her the possibility to recline, to make a stop to whatever it is you're about to do, to remind her she's in full control, even when she doesn't feel like it.

Control, you have learned over the span of some years, is something Dani has to have. Over you, just as much as over herself. She doesn't ask for it, not once, and it makes giving it to her so much better.

It's times like this when the reflection in the mirror is different for her than it is for you, when she can feel her ghost creeping too close to the surface; that control becomes more important than anything else. And you're more than happy to surrender yours to her loving hands, to let go of the reins and let her steer your night in any direction she feels right.

And some nights Dani is perfectly happy to keep you at arm's length, to kiss you deeply and cuddle into you and have your arms secured tightly around her shoulders while she drifts off to a land you cannot follow. Some nights, she's perfectly happy with stretching atop of you and pretending to give her full attention to whatever movie is playing on the small tv. Some days, she's perfectly happy tugging you to late-night runs you don't ever find relaxing, to dark long drives she never wants to know the destination of, to strolling through the huge rows of food and chemicals in your local supermarket, right at the edge of town, the monstrous one that operates 24/7.

Not tonight. Tonight Dani chases you before you can tell yourself to let her choose, before you can speak yourself into keeping your touch light, your kisses shallow. Tonight she's anchoring her hand further into your hair and you sit still, letting her pull you as she will, move you as she will, use you as she will, love or fuck or tease you as she will.

Dani is looking at you, blue and brown, electric and wild, like you're breaking her heart. There are tears in her wonderfully clear eyes, in two different colours you've learned and relearned to love.

_"It's strange," she said once, insecure and scared and small, when everything was new and her body wasn't yet imprinted in your palms. "Isn't it?"_

_"Not to me," you answered without sparing a moment to think about it, because it was true._

_"It isn't me," she said and her hand curled into a tight fist against her thigh, thumb crushed under the press of strong fingers. "This brown eye. It looks... it isn't me, Jamie"._

_You put your hand on the right side of her face then, gently blocking the blue eye's vision. You uncurled her fist with your other hand and slipped your fingers through hers. You gave her hand a squeeze; you hoped it would be enough._

_"What d'you see?" You asked, heart beating wildly in your chest as if there was more than one possibility._

_"You," Dani breathed and heat coiled at the pit of your stomach. "I see you"._

Dani's equally blue gaze was a fleeting thing in your story, something setting your heart on fire, your pulse-raising, your thoughts swirling like crazy, but the blue gaze was also something distant that you wanted but couldn't have. The heterochromia is your home; it's your sanctuary and your safe place and your favourite sight and you know Dani's having trouble accepting the change, but to you, the brown iris is just as lovable as the blue one. Both of them are gazing at you. Both of them are hers.

Dani takes a pause, her mouth slightly open, lips swollen with kisses neither one of you can put a stop to. She looks like she wants to say _no more_ , like she wants to open her mouth and let out impossible words, but she can't, she wouldn't, because it would be wholly wrong and wouldn't solve anything. You crave the possibility that she believes your words and your hands and your mouth, believes you are living for something beyond your understanding, caring for her is your ultimate creation, believes that in the face of losing her is losing everything else, that nothing but her matters.

And you want to be selfish. For just one night, you want to burn, and let her burn with you.

You don't move. You don't do anything. Dani's in control, fragile and teary-eyed as she is, and control is not something you will ever take away from her.

(You will never let her burn, either. The wild thoughts are a reckless outcome of Dani's close proximity. Of the possibility of sex).

"Say what you want and I'll do it," you whisper against her lips and you're eyes are closed, your hands pulling her closer, enjoying her soft curves and the familiar solidness under your touch, reassuring in the sense that she's here (she's here. She's _here_ ).

"I'll do it".

"I don't know what I want," Dani says and you need her to know it's okay, everything is alright, nothing is burning and nothing is exploding and nothing is in any rush. You want her to know you'll stay right where you are and you will never move unless she needs you to. You'll never go anywhere if she asks you to stay. You want her to know it's far too late to try and push you out of harm's way because whatever happens from now on, it happens to both of you.

"S'alright. S'alright," you drop your head and nuzzles your nose into her cheek, trying not to gasp when her fingers pull idly at your hair.

"I - I'm..."

"Do you want to stop?" You offer.

 _Never_ , her eyes seem to say and you don't want to leave this room, you don't want to go back in time and maybe make sure she would never step closer to that cursed lake, you don't want to change a thing, you don't want to forget what her hands feel like, what her lips taste like, what her voice sounds like lingering on your own mouth. It's selfish and ugly and something you shouldn't want, but you want her, mismatched eyes and shaking hands and trembling limbs and the icy cold fear echoing from every reflective surface. You love her too much to change even the smallest bits and Dani's eyes offer the same sentiment, echo the same truth.

"No," she whispers truthfully something you already know but never tire to listen to. "I don't want you to stop".

You nod, but you don't make a move to kiss her again, simply staying put hovering next to her face. Your eyes flutter open and you see her sitting still, eyebrows desperately knitted together. You caution a glance at her free hand and see her knuckles have gone white at the crown of her fist from sheer force. Her thumb is tucked away inside the fingers.

You don't even need to wonder why.

You kiss her again in the hopes of relieving her of something, stress or tension or guilt, whatever it is that's got her shoulders so tight and her jaw so set and her brows so creased.

"Dani," you whisper. "Look at me".

You move your hands down to the junction of her neck and rub, encouraging her to relax. Her eyes fly open and she's looking you square in the face, entirely too bold. You smile and keep rubbing your palms against her skin. Eventually, Dani begins to calm down with a small sigh of release. And because she's no longer rigid, you take advantage of the gap in her lips and do the one thing that will send this over the edge entirely.

Your tongues meet for the first time in days and your whole body thank you for it. When you were little, the idea of people enjoying sticking up their tongues in someone else's mouth seemed odd and unnecessary and a little bit silly. It didn't seem like an awesome way of spending your time when you grew up, either. Kissing was always fun, though a little too intimate for your liking. Sex was always just a little south of dangerous, and always exciting, but kissing was always strange. Only upon meeting Dani you really understood how it works. Your tongue has a mind of its own, pushing against hers. It's another way to touch her, another way to bond yourselves, and Dani, who told you countless times just how bizarre it all seemed when Edmund used to kiss her, returns in kind.

Dani's balled fist takes to perching on your thigh for a few seconds, before it rubs up and down and eventually settles on your hip with a tug. Your knees bump before she gets up entirely and places herself in the familiar seat of your lap, legs to either side of your hips. Your hands are at her back, hers joining at your neck, pushing your open collar from your shoulders. You remove your hands from Dani's body only long enough to shrug it off and return them in force, kneading her hipbone with fervor.

Dani keeps her hands on your shoulders, massaging your skin into relaxation and you hum in appreciation.

This isn't about lust but about desire. It's about love. About need. About arousal too strong to resist. It's about understanding and days without touching and you want her naked because you hate the barrier of close just as much as you want her naked for the sake of her perfect, flawless nakedness. You want her as raw in front of you as you feel. You want to feel every part of her that you can because _one day at a time_ and because _you're here_ and because _I love you I love you I love you_.

You want her to remember that she's the only one, ever will be, and you want her to remember that sunrise may change, but she's the only one you ever felt like this with. It's only her, only about her. Only your life, strange and dark and slightly exhausting, making perfect sense at last.

Dani makes a whimpering sound from inside her chest and you force yourself to slow down.

"If you tell me to stop, I will," you whisper.

Dani shakes her head, a fall of golden-blonde hair tickling your shoulders as it flows around her head.

"Tell me to stop," you say, chancing your lips and teeth at her pulse point.

"No".

Some days, Dani needs you to coax her out of her misery with fast fingers and latching mouth, to fuck her wet and hard and messy, too fast for her to register her body's response, so fast she needs you to do it again and again and again until you can barely feel your body, until she is no longer able to breathe. Some days, Dani needs you to let her sink on her knees in front of you, to bury her face between your legs, to spend hours kissing up and down your body, pushing and opening and spreading.

Tonight you're not fucking. Tonight you're making love if there ever was one. Dani's not growling in your ear or bucking her hips up into you or panting mouth. You're not teasing her about how wet she is against your fingers without you even touching her first, you're not leaving marks on her body, you're not forcing her hips down on the mattress, you're not spreading her thighs and grinding up at her blushing face. Your teeth on her neck are gentle, not leaving any bruises, your hands on her back are soft, no fingers digging into flesh, no nails leaving burning red trails.

"Yes..." Dani sighs and you know it's the right thing to do.

Dani lets her hand slide down your chest gently until she meets the end of fabric and Burrowes under, feeling your skin and relishing in the sensation of it pebbling into goosebumps from her fingertips, all over your body.

You continue to kiss her neck as you let your hands explore her body underneath her blouse, dancing patterns all over her back and stomach, reacquainting yourself with the feel of her abdomen, the jut of her hipbones.

"Jamie," she breathes into your neck and it's the first time she's said your name like this in days, panting and desperate and soft, and you're done.

You pull skyward and her silky blouse is sliding off her with ease. You toss it aside for another place, another time. Your eyes fall on the new patch of naked skin and you lean forward to kiss and worship and suck at the tops of her breasts, heaving with heavy pants, the fabric of her bra digging lightly into her.

Dani lets you do that for a few moments before tugging on your hair. You understand the silent command and tuck your hands under her thighs, holding tight as you stand from the sofa. Dani hooks one arm around your neck, the other is still tangled in your hair, and you make a staggering, careful way to the bedroom, through a small corridor.

"Jamie…"

You kiss her in response at the door, before using her back to nudge the door open. Then you gently put her on the mattress, her smell mixing with the hot sleepy smell of the sheets. Dani melts into the bed, eyes shining.

You come on top of her, planting your hands on either side of her head to hold yourself up.

"God," she says softly. "You're not going to tease me tonight, are you?"

And another day, another nigh, you might have taken it as a challenge, but tonight Dani's eyes are sad and distant and you just want her with you, fully present, away from her lurking beast. You want her to kiss you and whisper sweet nothings into your skin and come with holy silence on her lips. So you shake your clouded head and you don't have it in you to give her more than one small smile, a barely ghost of a smile, a poor replacement of something shining that's tugging invisibly at the corners of your lips.

"No," you say gently, leaning down to kiss her. "Not tonight".

You prop up on your elbows and kiss her more as you remove her bra. Dani's hands splay out on your back as you press your palm softly to her stomach, and she matches your movements, digging between your bodies to push you slightly off, arch back to give her hands room.

You grin like a fool and kiss her gently. Your lips barely touch at first and hers are so soft against your mouth. Dani lets her hands wander, tilting her head as you deepen the kiss. Having her whole body pressed against yours sparks your fantasy and you slowly slide your tongue against her bottom lip, chasing her arching back. Dani opens her mouth immediately and the feeling of her tongue caressing the outlines of yours is overwhelming.

But tonight isn't about fantasies or fast rocking or big dopey grins. Tonight is about Dani and how you need her here, grounded in the present, understanding that nothing, not even her dark shadow that follows her everywhere, can keep you away.

You kiss her and let your hands wander and memorise each other before pants and skirts come off and the rest follows. Dani whispers something in your ear, something dark about how sorry she is for what she's doing to you, and you look her in the eyes when you shake your head, when you tell her how beautiful she is, how much more beautiful she becomes each day that passes, how lucky you are to be the one missing her, loving her, touching her when the darkness grows just too thick for her to handle alone.

"There's a monster inside of me, Jamie." Dani's voice is breaking. "It's inside of me, and every time you touch me, I'm so scared. I'm so afraid it will seep into you, and you - "

You don't argue. "Been reading about monsters," you say instead and your voice is low and urgent and slightly wild. "They were like _angels_. They were messengers and heralds and - " Dani is staring at you, gloriously naked, two mismatched colours shining in her beautiful beautiful eyes.

"What?" She breathes out, hitched and so sad.

"There's a difference between being understood for your nature and being condemned for it," you say and Dani smiles against your lips a smile that makes your chest feel expansive.

You repay her words with efforts of your own and you tell her there is nothing that needs to be fixed, that you're going to be okay, together, like this, that you agreed to take each day at a time, no rush on the good things, no rush on the worse than bad things. You tell her she's here. She's here. She's _here_.

And when Dani lets herself go, lets a few tears of despair and fear and utter sadness flood her eyes, and you kiss her again and show her over and over until she can't take anymore.

Dani's tongue slides against yours and her hands run over your bare overheated skin. She's driving you insane with want, and you shudder and moans quietly when she drags her nails lightly down your back. You feel like you're drowning in her, you can hardly breathe.

You brush her hair out of her eyes with one hand, the other gently tracing her cheek. Dani gazes up at you with the most wonderstruck expression, and there is something about the way she's smiling that makes your heart, already beating far too fast to be safe, flutter. It's easy and familiar and catches you off guard every single time. You can't seem to get used to Dani looking at you like this, wide and open with traces of sadness and fear, mismatched irises a small circles around full-blown pupils.

You pull back to catch your breath.

"Christ, Dani," you murmur, and Dani's breath hitches. "You're so beautiful".

Dani leans up to capture your mouth with soft lips. Her tongue strokes languidly against yours before she sucks on your bottom lip and tugs slightly with her teeth. Still, nothing is exploding, the need to touch her is stronger as before, but lacks the urgency or other nights. Your breath floats holy ghosts as light seeps everywhere.

You spend ages kissing down her body, making sure to lavish at her nipples with your tongue. You pepper her skin with kisses as you go, and then you scrap your teeth over the peaking buds, not hard enough to leave a mark.

Dani whimpers softly. Her hands tangle in your hair. This is something she particularly likes.

"Jamie…" she sighs.

You drift further down, sucking her skin gently, kissing her stomach, across her hipbones and belly button, the edge of the soft, surprisingly dark curls between her legs. You kiss her there until Dani's breath comes in ragged gasps and by the time you settle between her legs, Dani is bucking and twisting beneath you, reckless moans spilling from her open mouth, louder than what _making love_ suggests.

Dani's hands drift down to threat into your hair for better control over your head, brushing some curls off your face and tugging lightly until your tongue and teeth are against her swollen skin and you glance up at her just as she looks down.

"You're here." You tell her and Dani nods and nods and nods, eyes wide open, jaw slack, tongue licking at her bottom lip relentlessly.

"You're here".

"I'm here".

"With me".

"Yes. With you. Always with you," She agrees, and when you swipe your tongue through the length of her, she throws her head back and moans. _Jamie_ …!"

"Tell me what you want".

Dani's eyes are two black mirrors, echoing loudly things none of you are ready to admit, so full of desire and so much love you almost weep with relief.

" _I want you inside me_ ," is her whispered answer.

You're not talking anymore, Dani's plea so raw and needy, all you can do is comply. You slide your tongue through her again and her taste, rich and strong and almost metallic, destroys any resemblance of rational thought.

A loud moan falls from Dani's mouth as you begin to work your tongue against her rhythmically, dragging through the abundant wetness, pushing inside ever so slightly, lightly flicking against her clit, all slow at first, then gradually quickening in speed to pull more moan from her.

Your hand slides up, Dan's slide down from your hair and you slowly press a single finger into her, followed gently by a second. Your hand that's drifting up finds Dani's as she reaches for you and you slide your fingers between the spaces of hers, joining hot palms together. You rest your clutched hands against Dani's stomach to keep her still as you suck and lavish at her.

Dani's already too far gone for you to go as slow as you planned. Each swipe of your tongue and each curl of your fingers make her buck her hips harder into your face, and when you dare to glance up, Dani has her free hand on her own breast and her head thrown back against the pillows. The sight sends sparks of white-hot pleasure through you, building you higher and higher until you can barely breathe and you know you are not going to need much more than a few thrusts to come undone.

You push your own distracting need aside as Dani lets out a long dragged out moan as you're sucking at her clit, rocking your own hips against the crumpled sheets, and then she's coming, thighs quivering around your face, back arching up against the mattress, eyes squeezed shut. You watch her whimpering and growling and you think you can make your name among the unintelligible sounds.

Your heart is racing. It's exactly the same as any of the other countless times you made Dani come, except that it's _not_. Dani is looking down at you like you hung the stars in the sky and her eyes are still mostly black. She's panting and you need her hands on you, but not just yet. Not just yet.

You push all thoughts as far out of your head as you can because you're not done yet, and Dani is still very visibly thinking, very visibly fretting over things she has _no_ control over, so you let her tug you between her legs, let her yank you down into a hard bruising kiss, swallowing her gasps.

"One more time," you whisper as you move to straddle her lap, she's moaning against your mouth at the taste of herself on your tongue. "One more time".

Dani is shaking her head. Her protest is weak and she's not looking in your eyes, but rather down to where you're bodies connect.

"No".

"Yes. One more time," you whisper, your clit's connected with her thigh and you start rocking but Dani is nodding and your hands slip between her legs.

"One more time".

"Yes".

"One more time," and you're folding into her, pressing your forehead to the slick skin between her neck and shoulder.

Dani's hands slip into your hair again and you kiss her burning skin. She's very very hot and very very wet, the swollen skin is sensitive and sore and the sensation sends a pulse of white-hot heat through your body to throb between your legs.

You don't spare time teasing her, instead sinking two fingers into her.

Through the haze of lust, you make sure to pay full attention to the varying expressions of pleasure flicking across Dani’s face. You're not watching your fingers slide in and out of her, instead you keep yourself propped on one elbow, searching her face for hints. You watch her as she whimpers and moans and squirms under your hand. You let her rock her hips down to meet your fingers, her muscles tightening slightly around you when you curl just right inside her burning heat.

"Jamie… Jamie… Jamie…"

Dani gasps your name like a prayer, her muscles tightening when you angle your wrist, brush your thumb against her clit.

You're rocking against her thigh wildly, too focused on the way Dani moans loudly when you slide a third finger into her, to pay attention to your own rhythm. Dani's arms wind around your shoulders. You rest your forehead against hers as she gasps and pants against your mouth in time with the movements of your fingers inside her. She slides one arm and wraps it around you, palm splayed out over your lower back, encouraging you to roll your hips down on her leg, flexing her thigh to give you better friction.

You utter a small reckless sound as Dani groans when you hit a particularly sensitive spot. You bury your face in her shoulder, she circles an arm around your neck and your entire body shudders as you rock yourself slowly into a hard spasming orgasm.

"Yes," Dani whispers and you wonder if she knows what she's saying as her hips jerk wildly against your palm. "C'mon, baby. Come for me like this".

Then she's not saying anything because you nibble on her earlobe and Dani lets out a loud moan, her entire body shuddering and shaking against you, her second orgasm just as strong as the first one, wetness coating your fingers and palm and you kiss each finger clean to Dani's blissed out expression.

You lay together for a long time after that, Dani's curled into your side and shaking. You stroke her hair and keep your arms wrapped around her, your legs entwined. You think she almost falls asleep at one point as you watch her against your chest.

Dani steers. "Jamie," she says, glances up at you, pupils still slightly dilated, but mostly back to normal. "I love you".

"I love you, too," you say, quiet and sincere and true.

"I – I don't want you to think – to think that I say these things because I don't…"

"I know," you press a kiss to the crown of her head, inhaling the deep clean scent that is Dani. She's always smelling clean, no matter what she does. Clean, with the tang of heavy arousal and the sweet unmistakable smell of sex.

Dani moves closer, your tight between her legs and you can feel the dampness coating your flesh. You tighten your hold on her.

In the beginning and the end, it's always you and Dani, always together, never alone, and the pushes mean nothing. Dani knows that and you know that. It's not a show, exactly, rather a reverse wish. A needed distraction.

Dani is peaceful in your arms, hot and soft and heavy with sleep. You kiss the top of her head again.

"Sleep," you tell her, even though you know this isn't forever, this isn't going to last nearly as long as you want it to. "Not going anywhere".

"You promise?" her whisper is raspy with sleep, small and almost too far gone, but she kisses your chest anyway when you answer the only way you know – the only way you can, knowing your time is not up. Not yet.

"Promise".

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!
> 
> English is not my first language, and also I'm rocking ADHD like a MF so please excuse any and every misspellings, mistakes, and other Grammarly atrocities.  
> Also,  
> Come chat with me @ love-jesus-but-i-drink-a-little.tumblr.com


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